R U Okay Day: My Experience with Depersonalization, Derealization & Depression

2020 has been a challenging year for everyone and circumstances have made it integral for us all to stay connected and, for those who are able, be willing to support those around us. Some may find it hard to reach out for support due to thinking their issues are trivial. This is the negative stigma surrounding discussing unpleasant emotions within our culture.

Destigmatizing mental health issues is important to our survival.

For me, my world was opened up when others started expressing that they weren't okay. I felt that I was broken because I didn't see anyone struggling as much as I did. I thought everyone experienced what I did and was better at working through it than I was. The internalised stigma I had against my own capacity was debilitating until I saw others reach out for their internal battles, I didn't know I could do that for mine until it was almost too late.

In honour of "R U Okay?" Day, I sat down with my memories and produced this piece on my experience with feeling like I wasn't a part of my own life, the sensation of drifting above my body in memories/moments and the feeling that if I disappeared, I wouldn't be remembered. While the topic itself is sad, there is hope at the end of the piece where I express wanting to feel my emotions and heal. I publish this in the hopes of opening a wider conversation and safe place for the expression of tricky emotions and thoughts.

Healing is an ongoing process. While a trauma changes you, it doesn’t mean you are broken. You can learn to be yourself again. Most of all, you don't have to feel okay to be worthy of help and healing. Enjoy reading and stay safe xxx

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Dear Depersonalisation, Derealisation & Depression – A Love Letter

©Alexandrea Adorno, 2020

We’ve been together for a long time, you and I: you are the three musketeers of my mind. Words like “triggered,” “zoning out,” and “solitude” come to mind when I reflect on our relationships.

Depersonalization… It all was a dream when I was with you, and we began when I was only 3 years old, bringing my hopes of flying to life. Sitting with me as I picked out the glass from emotional wounds. I close my eyes, hearing past metallic words crumble and turning rusty in my mind’s cavern. The ocean tears tracing my face tenderly, I opened my mouth to respond to them every time.

Every word, I stumbled over, waiting for a tongue to lash me, whether it was others or my own. Growing foggy, I was unsure of what to do, not wanting to offend or be hurt again. I said to you, we wanted this, we deserved this didn’t we? You held me close to your shimmering coat and whispered, “no”.

I blamed myself, took all the responsibility for their actions. You, dear Depersonalisation, fluttered in again, making the wounds easier to bare hanging from the light fittings with you for years.

Derealization was my next love. You walked with me during the in-between times where consuming events happened. Depersonalization’s best friend sent to keep an eye on me where they couldn’t reach me. Depersonalization knew about our tortured love affair. Your jealous grasp held onto me even as they tried to pull me away to their dream world.

You loved to cover my eyes while you laughingly asked me, “guess who.” The veil made even family become strangers in my vision. “I don’t feel like me anymore. I don’t recognize my own reflection; I scare me”. There were days I told you about how I wanted to be carted away to asylum have professionals care for me and tell me what “normal” was. Be around others suffering like me to live in comfort. At the same time, we would be understood and safe.

Derealization, you’d tell me, “People pay good money for trips like yours, Sweetheart. Just leave me alone, and maybe I will leave you too”. We were hot and cold for a good 3 years. I always looked back on the happy times when I was with you, but why did it never feel like I belonged in those memories? Like I was a trespasser in someone’s else’s life.

Darling Depression, you swept me off my feet and into the ocean from the moment we met. Your heavy fringe and hoodie kept me warm where people would not. I liken you to blankets in the peak of winter, or the embers in a fireplace as the fire dies to those who haven’t met you; comforting for the little warmth they provide. At the same time, you still feel the coldness of the air.

Convinced me to do things like cut off all my hair and protected us from the outside world. You taught me to smile outwardly while my soul tumbled through an endless storm and still laughed while keeping up with the conversation. Told me my existence could be forgotten in an instance, was I really needed? My will to live was more potent than your want for us to fade away, so we remained in a tug of war for decades.

Thank you for protecting me when I needed it most, my beautiful armoured shadows, but I need to feel my grief now. There will be times when I will see you again and run into your embraces like a child with their comfort toy, my beloved Sadness in tow. I promise I will be okay; I want to process what we have been through and meet who we once forgot: Friendly Peace.

#RUOkayDay2020 #mentalhealthawareness #depression #anxiety #destigmatizementalhealth